Here is the response I got, after, as narrated last week, threatening to diss Kangaru Girls (Mecca) if they did not issue an apology for tarnishing my name:
C/o K-Bee High
C/O Box 1
Wallapa Wabbadest Messrs,
Re: Alleged injurious act and Mubaddest VII’s threat to diss Mecca Babes
We refer to your letter dated 28th May, reference DISS/IN/PIPELINE-0001 in which you claimed an act taken by our clients on a photo YOU sent to them was injuring one of your socialites’ reputation, and demanded an immediate apology and hook-up (by 4th June), failure to which you would institute diss proceedings against or client, Mecca Babes.
Our instructions are that for reasons issued below, our client will not fulfill any of your demands, and will actually retract hook-ups done for EACH ONE OF YOU. They will also take further action against your said socialite, Mbaddest VII.
Your client is a well-known socialite in the district (a position he has achieved by acting as a parasite or climbing plant, rather than putting an image and character like other socialites) and is therefore subject to not only praise but also all ridicule that may come with the tag.
Part of your complaint arose from the fact that our client inscribed the word ‘Tunakujua,’ meaning ‘we know you’ in red marker pen under your client’s name.
Is it not true that your client is a well-known socialite?
Is it not true that he comes from deep in a remote village with a largely illiterate populace, often bitten by drought and has a road that cannot be accessed by any type of motor equipment. (except a boat in the rainy season)
Is it not true that he has been peddling lies that he hails from Dandora, and the said village is only his grandmother’s village which he visits temporarily after closing school?
Is it not true that your client has a heavy accent from the slopes, which he tries to hide by speaking so little when he can avoid, speaking very fast when he has to, swallowing words when talking and using too many gestures/non-verbal cues to avoid mentioning some words? Who has heard him say ‘four villagers fighting for fillet as a ferocious donkey foraged around?’
Is that not the reason he has never taken a major part in festivals, despite being repeatedly pushed by your teacher to do so?
Is it not true that your client does not own a single item of school uniform, and is always borrowing or ‘borrowing?’
Part VI of all school rules reads that ‘School uniform must be worn at all times during the school session, in and out of school. Students shall only wear THEIR OWN uniform and are liable to prove ownership upon demand by teachers and any other kind of school authority.
Is it not true that your client has repeatedly organised for other students, seniors included, to be scrapped off school trip lists so he could borrow their funky attire. It is well known that such attire has been used to win over girls, and also gain unwarranted attention during funkies.
Is it not true that your client, now a senior (uh, at last) has spent close to two decades in the first two sections of the 8-4-4 system? Some of his former classmates now hold big positions in this country.
Is it not true that during that period, he has been to over six schools in the district, and has been admitted with the same pair of shoes to over half of those?
Is it not true that your client, up until now, has had two girlfriends in Mecca, in different streams of the same schooling year? Doesn’t he also date a girl by the name Anne in Don Bosco Girls, and another Karina in Kyeni Girls?
Is it not true that he has never spent a single coin on any of these girls, always lying about being picked up by his mara Engineer, mara Lawyer mara pilot dad during closing?
Always arming himself with two Juniors during funkies to help him handle the task of lying to these girls whom he scores using vibe accumulated from hours upon hours of reading mail borrowed within the school and from other schools too?
Our client is willing to produce enough evidence, and call witnesses to back these claims, and more which we have omitted in the interest of brevity.
For this reason, we wish to make it clear that no apologies or hook-ups are coming your client’s way, or the way of any of you.
We also demand that going forward, Mubaddest VII be dropped from any funky lists, and you, The Wabaddest, refrain from talking to any girls during the two upcoming funkies (I.e Dramo distohz and Saintee Journa Day) and during the midterm.
We expect you will abide by this, but should you feel it is too hard for you, no pressure. You know us, we are the O-Zone, we love to get physical.
The Rohntez Ozone
Dedz: Alfayo- Get Physical
When that mail landed, I was not allowed to read it first. It was read by one Sir-Mdosi, who then convened the whole crew and read it aloud.
I was then asked to take the first go at issuing a response. I said that while there were too many exaggerations and lies in the accusations, I felt that they had taken a really heavy blow at us- particularly me- and it would be hard to get back on our feet.
I also expressed my unpleasant surprise at Mecca for engaging the Ozone in this, making a boy-girl affair a boy-boy conflict. I said I sensed that a close ally of mine had sold me out by giving details of my life beyond school boundaries.
I apologised to crew for putting them in this position, then begged for their understanding in all matters, true and untrue.
Sir Mdosi assured me that we had set out on this journey together; there was no blame on me.
I offered my willingness to abide by the demands put forward that pertained me but urged the team to defy all others, as that would be read as submission to the Ozone.
Lastly, I announced that in my opinion, it was time to make amends and work with The Axe Gang, our rival crew in school. Not because Ozone had become bigger, I said, but because we needed to deliver a blow so strong it would reverberate over generations. (Honestly, I thought as presently constituted, we were far much weaker than The Ozone, thanks to defections and expulsions, but I wouldn’t say that if my life depended on it.)
The show of solidarity was overwhelming. I won’t go into details, but basically, my plan was adopted.
How we picked on from there is a story for another day.