IMAGE: Black man and white man conversing. | Image source: Shutterstock
Black man and white man conversing. | Image source: Shutterstock

Long ago. Njo, my right hand wing man, has set me up with Múthoni, alias Mútho, alias Kifagio (I don’t call her that) and our first meeting has been largely successful, in my eyes at least…

….They may say I blew it, but I am armed with two pieces of evidence:

  1. Ni vile she thinks I have another girlfriend
  2. She was in a hurry asichelewe. She said to tutaonana.

For now, I need to go and change, and also lie down. Never sweat so much, or had such breathing problems before. Could I be contracting asthma? Hope not.

Kumbe Múthoni is Hezzeh’s girlfriend! Ma ya ngune! In the afterburn of my date, I give the boys tips a feel of how it feels to be alone with a girl in a romantic setting. I also arm them with tips of what and when to say. But then, as always, Uto drops the spoiler. “But si Kifagio huwa is katiwad by Hezzeh?” “You fool, dont call her Kifagio….wait! What? Ati katiwad by who? Get lost!”

I am dead meat! I swear! I do not show it, but i can feel it from my pimpling face to my emerging pubes! I excuse myself from the council earlier than usual and head home. On my way, I gather some dry múvariti leaves for The Rose to use to light fire. It is of little consequence that I collected a whole sack on Saturday. I pass by the pen to ensure I have locked the Man Beater’s sheep safely. Heck, I even go inside to count them and their lambs. I feel like every bit of me has done wrong.

Supper is tasteless. Thank God I did my homework during evening preps because weh! I cannot think. No sleep in bed. Tossing, turning, sweating, and Hezzeh. Small flashes of Múthoni.

Call me an alarmist; thats because you do not know Hezzeh. It is well known that Hezzeh does not come well.  If you hear of a person who does not come well,  be very afraid. First, he is in class seven. Yo see? No? Hezzeh, despite being in class seven, is the first boarder of Ciamanda primary. First boarder is the person who can beat all people in their school. It doesn’t matter if it is a day school. If you can beat everyone in your school you are the first boarder. Under normal circumstances, the first boarder should be in class eight. It is well known that practically Hezzeh is in class 15, but who can say it aloud? That is an open secret.

Two, Hezzeh has been known to call five five boys from class eight. He once called the entire class six boys. Then he called class 5A and 5B combined. To call people is to challenge them to a fight, for those not in the know. Now you get why I am chilled to the bone? Oh, and he also called six boys selected from three schools during Education Sunday. And now I have crossed his path!

Wednesday is a nervy school day. On arrival home, my worst fears are confirmed: Hezzeh has learnt of my insurbodination and has sent a very clear message. “Hide very much, hide very far.” Normally, when someone sends you a message, you have to give feedback. Usually, it should be to the effect that you do not take empty threats, but no! I won’t tread that path. Wacha niitwe muoga!

It is even worse if you do not respond. In that  event, chimps will cook up an even more unpleasant message and send it back. So I just respond “I don’t want his girl.” and leave them to package it as they want prior to delivery. I think of reporting a the matter to a higher authority, but my cousin Nyuki is an eel, you can not catc him. The Man Beater is out of question, because, well, what would you say you are reporting?

Nonetheless, if you have to die, die for a crime you have committed. Wednesday evening i again waylay Múthoni on her way to deliver milk. Today things are a bit easier. Hi…Hi…..Kwani what’s up today you have gone for milk so late…..mum sent me to pick clothes from the line…….blah blah blah, back and forth……are you Hezzeh’s girlfriend?…..Who, me?…..Yes….[Angry] Looking at me like this you think I can be katiwad by such an ki-old man?……He says he will kill me for taking his girlfriend……I am not his girlfriend. Kwani if I become your girlfriend he will kill me? Go tell him i am your girlfriend…..[ In my mind] BOOM! ……[talkin] Ok, bye, your mother is about to come looking for you.

Straight back to the chimps. Múthoni has chosen me herself! I am not taking away Hezzeh’s girl, she is the one who wants me. If he is afraid of katiaing asiniletee wazimu yake.

Thursday. I am happy and confident. I can’t wait for school to end so I can hear the latest. Evening, I hear that Hezzeh is after my head. I don’t know what version of my message got to him, but, more than ever, he has made the hunt for me his sole mission. Even now, I am told, he could be around looking for you. And sure as hell he is!!

Out of nowhere, the rough bastard appears. Barefoot, like me. In shorts and a dirty shirt. Like me. End of similarity. Three times my size in every dimension. Where I have a clean shave, he has a ‘box’ cut. [Taking me by the scruff] Ati what did you say?…..Stop holding me like that, you did not give birth to me!……[Surprised] so you are even going tospeak shit. Say, Ati ulisema niambiwe nini….Nothing….Do you know I can kill you?….Try and see. She does not want you.

There is a saying that goes “Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.” No way am I waiting for the next address. Before anything else is, I charge towards Hezzeh like I am gonna fight, but, amid all the confusion, I shoot right past him and everyone, a trail of dust behind as i hear him shout, “Better run for the rest of your lfe!”

Whatever! Later in the evening I learn of how my charges have been expanded. I am also wanted by all circumcised boys for urinating in the circumcised boys’ toilets, and making abusive inscriptions while at it. The most inapropriate being ‘Hezzeh wí kívící’ [Hezzeh you are not ciercumcised.] and ‘Wamía ígúrú níkí?'[Why have you defacated on top?] among many others. I swear, I did not make those writings, and the day I used the seniors’toilets was on Sunday, during a football match, when everyone is free to do so. So now, besides Hezzeh, I need to run away from every circumcised boy. I hate my life.

When it rains it pours. On my way to school Thursday morning, a random villager tells me, “Kívící na tondú níronire wí múanjiu gwokia we!…” [And because I see you have started getting an erection….] Where I come from, whenever a bigger person tells you something and does not end the statement, again, be very afraid. It gets worse in the evening, when The Rose asks me “What is it that I’m being told?”…..what?….why is Múthoni’s mother saying that you are disturbing her daughter as she delivers milk…..Disturbing her how? The story ends there, but I know its just for now…..

So now I am a boy on the run…..I am a fugitive, in my homeland. The future looks grim!

#iRestMyPen

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